Two fathers, brothers, with their daughters.I had no idea!Or, maybe that was the problem, maybe I had only experienced the pain of not having had children, as a thought, as a concept and not allowed myself to feel the emotion. Rosie has opened me up to it, She sent me an email and a poem this morning that is so much of what I am feeling, I could have written it myself. I am grateful to her for saying it for the both of us.
Hi, Dad!
I woke up at 4:30 again and couldn't go back to sleep. There are just too many words inside me waiting to get out, The door in my mind is too narrow for them to exit all at once, so they will have to patiently wait in line.
I can't capture all the feelings I am experiencing right now; I can't even identify some of them. I woke up sobbing, and I'm not sure if that was joy or pain. I never knew they were so similar. If it was pain I felt, it was the pain of the last 36 years. If it was joy, it was the ecstasy of the past two days, so intense that I want to stay awake so I can continue this wonderful dream I'm having. The need to sleep is an inconvenient irritation.
I wrote this for you this morning. Call me when you get up. I'M WIDE AWAKE!
EMPTY SPACE
There is a room in my house no one knew of but me
The door always locked, only I held the key
Sometimes I would go there to dream or to hide
And at other times sat on the cold floor and cried
I tried to imagine the way it would look
Filled with furniture, pictures and interesting books
And I'd think to myself it was kind of a waste
To have nothing and no one to fill up this space
But it remained empty, and year after year
It's purpose became even less and less clear
Til one day you entered and struck up a tune
And the smile that you gave me filled up the whole room
And you reached for my hand, and we waltzed 'cross the floor
And I knew at that moment what that room was for
You are a dream come true!
Love, Rosie