http://www.jhuger.com/kisshank.mv

This morning there was a knock at my door.  When I answered the door I found a well groomed, nicely dressed couple.  The man spoke first:
John:  "Hi!  I'm John, and this is Mary."
Mary:  “Hi!  We're here to invite you to come kiss Hank's ass with us."
Me:  "Pardon me?!  What are you talking about?  Who's Hank, and why would I want to kiss His ass?"
John: "If you kiss Hank's ass, He'll give you a million dollars; and if you don't, He'll kick the shit out of you."
Me: "What?  Is this some sort of bizarre mob shake-down?"
John: "Hank is a billionaire philanthropist.  Hank built this town.  Hank owns this town.  He can do whatever he wants, and what He wants is to give you a million dollars, but He can't until you kiss his ass."
Me:  "That doesn't make any sense.  Why..."
Mary:  "Who are you to question Hank's gift?  Don't you want a million dollars?  Isn't it worth a little kiss on the ass?"
Me:  "Well maybe, if it's legit, but..."
John: "Then come kiss Hank's ass with us."
Me:  "Do you kiss Hank's ass often?"
Mary:  "Oh yes, all the time..."
Me:  "And has He given you a million dollars?"
John: "Well no.  You don't actually get the money until you leave town."
Me:  "So why don't you just leave town now?"
Mary:  "You can't leave until Hank tells you to, or you don't get the money, and He kicks the shit out of you."
Me: "Do you know anyone who kissed Hank's ass, left town, and got the million dollars?"
John:  "My mother kissed Hank's ass for years.  She left town last year, and I'm sure she got the money."
Me:  "Haven't you talked to her since then?"
John:  "Of course not, Hank doesn't allow it."
Me: "So what makes you think He'll actually give you the money if you've never talked to anyone who got the money?"
Mary:  "Well, he gives you a little bit before you leave.  Maybe you'll get a raise, maybe you'll win a small lotto, maybe you'll just find a twenty-dollar bill on the street."
Me: "What's that got to do with Hank?"
John:  "Hank has certain 'connections.'"
Me:  "I'm sorry, but this sounds like some sort of bizarre con game."
John:  "But it's a million dollars, can you really take the chance?  And remember, if you don't kiss Hank's ass He'll kick the shit of you."
Me:  "Maybe if I could see Hank, talk to Him, get the details straight from him..."
Mary:  "No one sees Hank, no one talks to Hank."
Me:  "Then how do you kiss His ass?"
John: "Sometimes we just blow Him a kiss, and think of His ass.  Other times we kiss Karl's ass, and he passes it on."
Me:  "Who's Karl?"
Mary:  "A friend of ours.  He's the one who taught us all about kissing Hank's ass.  All we had to do was take him out to dinner a few times."
Me:  "And you just took his word for it when he said there was a Hank, that Hank wanted you to kiss His ass, and that Hank would reward you?"
John: "Oh no!  Karl has a letter he got from Hank years ago explaining the whole thing.  Here's a copy; see for yourself."

-----------------------------------------
From the desk of Karl

1. Kiss Hank's ass and He'll give you a million dollars when you leave town.
2. Use alcohol in moderation.
3. Kick the shit out of people who aren't like you.
4. Eat right.
5. Hank dictated this list Himself.
6. The moon is made of green cheese.
7. Everything Hank says is right.
8. Wash your hands after going to the bathroom.
9. Don't use alcohol.
10. Eat your wieners on buns, no condiments.
11. Kiss Hank's ass or He'll kick the shit out of you.

-------------------------------------------

Me:  "This appears to be written on Karl's letterhead."
Mary:  "Hank didn't have any paper."
Me:  "I have a hunch that if we checked we'd find this is Karl's handwriting."
John:  "Of course, Hank dictated it."
Me:  "I thought you said no one gets to see Hank?"
Mary:  "Not now, but years ago He would talk to some people."
Me:  "I thought you said He was a philanthropist.  What sort of philanthropist kicks the shit out of people just because they're different?"
Mary:  "It's what Hank wants, and Hank's always right."
Me:  "How do you figure that?"
Mary:  "Item 7 says 'Everything Hank says is right.'  That's good enough for me!"
Me:  "Maybe your friend Karl just made the whole thing up."
John:  "No way!  Item 5 says 'Hank dictated this list himself.'  Besides, item 2 says 'Use alcohol in moderation,' Item 4 says 'Eat right,' and item 8 says 'Wash your hands after going to the bathroom.'  Everyone knows those things are right, so the rest must be true, too."
Me:  "But 9 says 'Don't use alcohol.' which doesn't quite go with item 2, and 6 says 'The moon is made of green cheese,' which is just plain wrong."
John:  "There's no contradiction between 9 and 2, 9 just clarifies 2.  As far as 6 goes, you've never been to the moon, so you can't say for sure."
Me:  "Scientists have pretty firmly established that the moon is made of rock..."
Mary:  "But they don't know if the rock came from the Earth, or from out of space, so it could just as easily be green cheese."
Me:  "I'm not really an expert, but I think the theory that the Moon was somehow 'captured' by the Earth has been discounted*.  Besides, not knowing where the rock came from doesn't make it cheese."
John:  "Ha! You just admitted that scientists make mistakes, but we know Hank is always right!"
Me:  "We do?"
Mary:  "Of course we do, Item 7 says so."
Me: "You're saying Hank's always right because the list says so, the list is right because Hank dictated it, and we know that Hank dictated it because the list says so. That's circular logic, no different than saying 'Hank's right because He says He's right.'"
John:  "Now you're getting it!  It's so rewarding to see someone come around to Hank's way of thinking."
Me:  "But...oh, never mind.  What's the deal with wieners?"
Mary:  She blushes.
John:  "Wieners, in buns, no condiments.  It's Hank's way.  Anything else is wrong."
Me:  "What if I don't have a bun?"
John:  "No bun, no wiener.  A wiener without a bun is wrong."
Me:  "No relish?  No Mustard?"
Mary:  She looks positively stricken.
John:  He's shouting.  "There's no need for such language!  Condiments of any kind are wrong!"
Me:  "So a big pile of sauerkraut with some wieners chopped up in it would be out of the question?"
Mary:  Sticks her fingers in her ears.  "I am not listening to this. La la la, la la, la la la."
John:  "That's disgusting.  Only some sort of evil deviant would eat that..."
Me:  "It's good!  I eat it all the time."
Mary:  She faints.
John:  He catches Mary.  "Well, if I'd known you where one of those I wouldn't have wasted my time.  When Hank kicks the shit out of you I'll be there, counting my money and laughing.  I'll kiss Hank's ass for you, you bunless cut-wienered kraut-eater."
 With this, John dragged Mary to their waiting car, and sped off.

 A cat dies and goes to Heaven. God meets him at the gate and says, "You have been a good cat all of these years. Anything you desire is yours, all you have to do is ask."

The cats says, "Well, I lived all my life with a poor family on a farm and had to sleep on hardwood floors."

God says, "Say no more." And instantly, a fluffy pillow appears.

A few days later, 6 mice are killed in a tragic accident and they go to Heaven. God meets them at the gate with the same offer that He made the cat. The mice said, "All our lives we've had to run. Cats, dogs and even women with brooms have chased us. If we could only have a pair of roller skates, we wouldn't have to run anymore."

God says, "Say no more." And instantly, each mouse is fitted with a beautiful pair of tiny roller skates.

About a week later, God decides to check and see how the cat is doing. The cat is sound asleep on his new pillow. God gently wakes him and asks, "How are you doing? Are you happy here?"

The cat yawns and stretches and says, "Oh, I've never been happier in my life. And those Meals on Wheels you've been sending over are the best!" A nun, badly needing to use to the rest-room, walked into a local
Hooters. The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and
every once in a while the lights would turn off.

Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.
However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent.

She walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the
rest-room? The bartender replied, "OK, but I should warn you that there
is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf."

"Well, in that case I'll just look the other way," said the nun.

So, the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant, and she
preceded to the rest-room. After a few minutes, she came back out, and
the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round
of applause.

She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. Why did
they applaud for me just because I went to the rest-room?"

"Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender, "Would you
like a drink?"

"But, I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun.

"You see," laughed the bartender, "every time the fig leaf on the
statue is lifted up, the lights go out. Now, how about that drink?"

WEEK ONE
a.. Beans
b.. Bacon
c.. Coffee
d.. Whiskey

a.. WEEK TWO
b.. Beans
c.. Ham
d.. Coffee
e.. Whiskey

WEEK THREE
a.. Beans al fresca
b.. Thin-sliced Bacon
c.. Hazelnut Coffee
d.. Sky vodka & Tanqueray gin
e.. K-Y gel

WEEK FOUR
a.. Beans en salade
b.. Pancetta
c.. Coffee (espresso grind)
d.. 5-6 bottles best Chardonnay
e.. 2 tubes K-Y gel


WEEK FIVE
a.. Fresh Fava beans
b.. Jasmine rice
c.. Prosciutto, approx. 8 ounces, thinly sliced
d.. Medallions of veal
e.. Porcini mushrooms
f.. 1/2 pint of heavy whipping cream
g.. 1 Cub Scout uniform, size 42 long
h.. 5-6 bottles French Bordeaux (Estate Reserve)
i.. 1 extra large bottle Astro-glide

WEEK SIX
a.. Yukon Gold potatoes
b.. Heavy whipping cream
c.. Asparagus (very thin)
d.. Organic Eggs
e.. Spanish Lemons
f.. Gruyere cheese (well aged)
g.. Crushed Walnuts
h.. Arugula
i.. Clarified Butter
j.. Extra Virgin Olive oil
k.. Pure Balsamic vinegar
l.. 6 yards white silk organdy
m.. 6 yards pale ivory taffeta
n.. 3 Cases of Dom Perignon Masters Reserve
o.. Large tin Crisco

Not that there's anything wrong with that.  -b-