Jokes

Great music, great juggling

Brenda Lehman — Mon, 27 Mar 2006 15:26:00 GMT

Favorite Beatles tunes, with juggling.

http://marketplace.espeakers.com/movie.php?sid=5290&aid=10558

Do Cats Go to Heaven?

Brenda Lehman — Mon, 27 Mar 2006 15:24:00 GMT

A cat dies and goes to Heaven. God meets him at the gate and says, "You have been a good cat all of these years. Anything you desire is yours, all you have to do is ask."

The cats says, "Well, I lived all my life with a poor family on a farm and had to sleep on hardwood floors."

God says, "Say no more." And instantly, a fluffy pillow appears.

A few days later, 6 mice are killed in a tragic accident and they go to Heaven. God meets them at the gate with the same offer that He made the cat. The mice said, "All our lives we've had to run. Cats, dogs and even women with brooms have chased us. If we could only have a pair of roller skates, we wouldn't have to run anymore."

God says, "Say no more." And instantly, each mouse is fitted with a beautiful pair of tiny roller skates.

About a week later, God decides to check and see how the cat is doing. The cat is sound asleep on his new pillow. God gently wakes him and asks, "How are you doing? Are you happy here?"

The cat yawns and stretches and says, "Oh, I've never been happier in my life. And those Meals on Wheels you've been sending over are the best!"

Nun in Hooters

Brenda Lehman — Mon, 27 Mar 2006 15:18:00 GMT

A nun, badly needing to use to the rest-room, walked into a local
Hooters. The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and
every once in a while the lights would turn off.

Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.
However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent.

She walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the
rest-room? The bartender replied, "OK, but I should warn you that there
is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf."

"Well, in that case I'll just look the other way," said the nun.

So, the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant, and she
preceded to the rest-room. After a few minutes, she came back out, and
the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round
of applause.

She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. Why did
they applaud for me just because I went to the rest-room?"

"Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender, "Would you
like a drink?"

"But, I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun.

"You see," laughed the bartender, "every time the fig leaf on the
statue is lifted up, the lights go out. Now, how about that drink?"

Brokeback Mountain Weekly Grocery Lists

Brenda Lehman — Mon, 27 Mar 2006 15:16:00 GMT

WEEK ONE
a.. Beans
b.. Bacon
c.. Coffee
d.. Whiskey

a.. WEEK TWO
b.. Beans
c.. Ham
d.. Coffee
e.. Whiskey

WEEK THREE
a.. Beans al fresca
b.. Thin-sliced Bacon
c.. Hazelnut Coffee
d.. Sky vodka & Tanqueray gin
e.. K-Y gel

WEEK FOUR
a.. Beans en salade
b.. Pancetta
c.. Coffee (espresso grind)
d.. 5-6 bottles best Chardonnay
e.. 2 tubes K-Y gel

WEEK FIVE
a.. Fresh Fava beans
b.. Jasmine rice
c.. Prosciutto, approx. 8 ounces, thinly sliced
d.. Medallions of veal
e.. Porcini mushrooms
f.. 1/2 pint of heavy whipping cream
g.. 1 Cub Scout uniform, size 42 long
h.. 5-6 bottles French Bordeaux (Estate Reserve)
i.. 1 extra large bottle Astro-glide

WEEK SIX
a.. Yukon Gold potatoes
b.. Heavy whipping cream
c.. Asparagus (very thin)
d.. Organic Eggs
e.. Spanish Lemons
f.. Gruyere cheese (well aged)
g.. Crushed Walnuts
h.. Arugula
i.. Clarified Butter
j.. Extra Virgin Olive oil
k.. Pure Balsamic vinegar
l.. 6 yards white silk organdy
m.. 6 yards pale ivory taffeta
n.. 3 Cases of Dom Perignon Masters Reserve
o.. Large tin Crisco

Not that there's anything wrong with that. -b-

CDC Urgent Warning

Brenda Lehman — Fri, 30 Sep 2005 16:10:00 GMT

The Center for Disease Control has issued a warning
about a new virulent strain of Sexually Transmitted
Disease. This disease is contracted through dangerous
and high risk behavior. The disease is called Gonorrhea
Lectim (pronounced "gonna re-elect him").

Many victims have contracted it after having been
screwed for the prior 4 years, in spite of having taken
measures to protect themselves from this especially
troublesome disease. Cognitive sequelae of individuals
infected with Gonorrhea Lectim include, but are not
limited t anti-social personality disorder traits; inability
to tell the truth, delusions of grandeur with a distinct
messianic flavor; chronic mangling of the English
language; extreme cognitive dissonance; inability to
incorporate new information; pronounced xenophobia;
inability to accept responsibility for actions; exceptional
cowardice masked by acts of misplaced bravado;
uncontrolled facial smirking; ignorance of geography
and history; tendencies toward creating evangelical
theocracies; and a strong propensity for categorical,
all-or-nothing behavior.

The disease is sweeping Washington, trailer parks,
and the red states. Naturalists and epidemiologists
are amazed and baffled that this malignant disease
originated only a few years ago from a Texas Bush!

TEACHER INTERVIEW

Brenda Lehman — Fri, 30 Sep 2005 15:46:00 GMT

After being interviewed by the school administration, the eager teaching prospect said:

"Let me see if I've got this right. You want me to go into that room with all those kids, and fill their every waking moment with a love for learning.

And I'm supposed to instill a sense of pride in their ethnicity, modify their disruptive behavior, observe them for signs of abuse and even censor their T-shirt messages and dress habits.

You want me to wage a war on drugs and sexually transmitted diseases, check their backpacks for weapons of mass destruction, and raise their self esteem.

You want me to teach them patriotism, good citizenship, sportsmanship, fair play, how to register to vote, how to balance a checkbook, and how to apply for a job.

I am to check their heads for lice, maintain a safe environment, recognize signs of anti-social behavior, make sure all students pass the mandatory state exams, even those who don't come to school regularly or complete any of their assignments.

Plus, I am to make sure that all of the students with handicaps get an equal education regardless of the extent of their mental or physical handicap.

And

I am to communicate regularly with the parents by letter, telephone, newsletter and report card. All of this I am to do with just a piece of chalk, a computer, a few books, a bulletin board, a big smile AND on a starting salary that qualifies my family for food stamps! You want me to
do all of this and yet you expect me...... NOT TO PRAY?“

Newspaper readers

Brenda Lehman — Thu, 31 Mar 2005 15:04:00 GMT

thanks to my aunt in Miami!

1. The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who
run the country.

2. The Washington Post is read by people who think
they run the country.

3. The New York Times is read by people who think
they should run the country and who are very good at
crossword puzzles.

4. USA Today is read by people who think they ought
to run the country but don't really understand The
New York Times. They do, however, like their
statistics shown in pie charts.

5. The Los Angeles Times is read by people who
wouldn't mind running the country -- if they could
find the time -- and if they didn't have to leave
Southern California to do it.

6. The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents
used to run the country and did a far superior job
of it, thank you very much.

7. The New York Daily News is read by people who
aren't too sure who's running the country and don't
really care as long as they can get a seat on the
train.

8. The New York Post is read by people who don't
care who's running the country as long as they do
something really scandalous, preferably while
intoxicated.

9. The Miami Herald is read by people who are
running another country but need the baseball
scores.

10. The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people
who aren't sure there is a country ... or that
anyone is running it; but if so, they oppose all
that they stand for. There are occasional exceptions
if the leaders are handicapped minority feminist
atheist dwarfs who also happen to be illegal aliens
from any other country or galaxy provided, of
course, that they are not Republicans.

11. The National Enquirer is read by people trapped
in line at the grocery store.

12. None of these are read by the guy who is running
the country into the ground.

Elmer Fudd's granddaughter

Brenda Lehman — Thu, 31 Mar 2005 14:44:00 GMT

A precious little girl walked in to a pet shop and asked in the sweetest
little lisp between two missing teeth, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep
widdle wabbits?"

As the shopkeeper's heart melted, he got down on his knees so that he'd be
on her level and asked her, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft
and fuwwy bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit
over there?"

She, in turn, blushed, rocked back on her heels, placed her hands on her
knees, leaned forward and said in a quiet voice, "I don't think my python
weally gives a thit."

The Parrot

Brenda Lehman — Fri, 19 Nov 2004 16:57:00 GMT

The Parrot

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift.
The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse
vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was
rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried
and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently
saying only polite words, playing soft music
and anything else he could think of to "clean up "the
bird's vocabulary.
Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot.
The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and
the parrot got angrier and even ruder. John, in
desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and
put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot
squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly
there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a
minute. Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly
opened the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out
onto John's outstretched arms and said,
"I believe I may have offended you with my rude
language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful
for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully
intend to do everything I can to correct my rude
and unforgivable behavior."
John was stunned at the change in the bird's
attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what
had made such a dramatic change in his behavior,
the bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?"

HAPPY THANKSGIVING EVERYONE!

"Humor - new definitions"

Brenda Lehman — Fri, 27 Aug 2004 10:32:00 GMT

via my email (via BartCop forum)

1. Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.

2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.

3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.

6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absent-mindedly answer the door in your nightgown.

7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.

13. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.

14. Pokemon (n), A Jamaican proctologist.

15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.