Favorite Forwards

You Know You're A Coloradoan If....

John Garza — Sat, 01 Sep 2007 14:32:00 GMT

It was only a matter of time before Jeff Foxworthy took a couple of shots at Colorado.

You are a Coloradoan if ...........

1. You switch from "Heat" to "A/C" in one day.

2. You know what the "Peoples Republic of Boulder" means.

3. Your sense of direction is: towards the mountains and away from the mountains.

4. You're a meat-eating vegetarian.

5. The bike on your car is worth more than your car and you have your own special bike lane.

6. You're able to drive 65 miles per hour through 13 feet of snow during a raging blizzard without even flinching.

7. You take your out-of-town guests to Casa Bonita even though you would never go there otherwise.

8. You think your major food groups are granola bars, tofu and Fat Tire Beer.

9. You design your kid's Halloween costumes to fit over a snow suit.

10. You think that sexy lingerie is wool socks and flannel PJs.

11. You know all 4 seasons "almost winter, winter, still winter and spring blizzards

12. You've been tear gassed in a riot to celebrate a CU/CSU victory.

13. You can never figure out why your out-of-town guests faint from altitude sickness on a picnic to the mountains

14. You can drive over a 12,000-foot pass in 4 feet of snow, but can't get to work if there are 4 inches of snow.

15. You know the 'correct' pronunciation of Buena Vista.

16. When you visit friends at sea level, you can drink a case of beer and not get a buzz.

17. Your car insurance costs more than your car.

18. You have surge protectors on every outlet.

19. April showers bring May blizzards.

20. 'Timberline' is someplace you have actually been.

21. You know what a 'Chinook' is

22. You know what a 'Rocky Mountain Oyster' is.

23. You know what a "fourteener" is.

24. ...But you don't know what a "turn signal" is.

25. A bear on your front porch doesn't bother you nearly as much as a Democrat in Congress does.

26. Your golf bag has a 9-iron, a 3-wood and a lightning rod.

27. People from out of state breathe 5 times as often as you do.

28. Having a Senator named Nighthorse doesn't seem strange.

29. Thunder has set off your car alarm.

30. You have an $800 stereo in your $300 truck.

31. You think a red light means 3 more cars can go.

32. Where we're going, we don't need roads!!

33. You know where the real "South Park" is.

34. You can recognize the license plates of all 50 states on sight.

35. Driving directions usually include 'Go over _________ Pass.'

36. You've 'checked for ticks'

37. You've dressed in shorts, sandals, and a parka with a hood.

38. You've gone snow skiing in July and.........

39. You've played golf in January and.......

40. They were in the same year!

41. You've urinated on the Continental Divide just so it could run into both oceans

42. You know what a down slope and an up slope weather pattern is

43. And the most important: You get a certain feeling of satisfaction from knowing that California and Texas are both
downstream.

44. You actually understand these jokes and send them to your Colorado friends,

New Element Discovered

John Garza — Fri, 01 Dec 2006 11:36:00 GMT

New Element on Periodic Table

A major research institution has just announced the discovery of the densest element yet known to science. The new element has been named "Bushcronium." Bushcronium has one neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons, and 224 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 311. These particles are held together by dark forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. The symbol for Bushcronium is "W". Bushcronium's mass actually increases over time, as morons randomly interact with various elements in the atmosphere and become assistant deputy neutrons in a Bushcronium molecule, forming isodopes. This characteristic of moron-promotion leads some scientists to believe that Bushcronium is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as "Critical Morass". When catalyzed with money, Bushcronium activates Foxnewsium, an element that radiates orders of magnitude more energy, albeit as incoherent noise, since it has 1/2 as many peons but twice as many morons.

The Word Service

John Garza — Wed, 16 Aug 2006 15:57:00 GMT

Hi Ya'll.....

   At one time in my life, I thought I had a handle on the meaning of the word "service."

"It's the act of doing things for other people."

   Then I heard these terms which reference the word SERVICE:

   Internal Revenue Service
   Postal Service
   Telephone Service
   Civil Service
   City & County Public Service
   Customer Service
   Service Stations

   Then I became confused about the word "service." This is not what I thought "service" meant.

   So today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to "service" a few of his cows BAM! It all came into perspective. Now I understand what all those "service" agencies are doing to us.

   I hope you now are as enlightened as I am.

Before There Were Computers

John Garza — Sun, 09 Apr 2006 09:30:00 GMT

        Memory was something you lost with age
        An application was for employment
        A program was a TV show
        A cursor used profanity

        A keyboard was a piano
        A web was a spider's home
        A virus was the flu
        A CD was a bank account

        A hard drive was a long trip on the road
        A mouse pad was where a mouse lived

        And if you had a 3 inch floppy . .

        . . . you just hoped nobody ever found out!

Lawyers

John Garza — Sun, 19 Mar 2006 09:23:00 GMT

A very successful lawyer parked his brand new Lexus in front of the
office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck came
along too close and completely tore off the driver's door of the Lexus.
The counselor immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and it
wasn't more than 5 minutes before a policeman pulled up.

Before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started
screaming hysterically. His Lexus, which he had just picked up the
day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same
no matter how the body shop tried to make it new again.

After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his
head in disgust and disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you
lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you
neglect the most important things in life."

"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.
The cop replied, "My God man, don't you even realize that your left arm
is missing? It got ripped off when the truck hit you!!!"

"OH MY GOD!" screamed the lawyer.

"My Rolex!"

Ouch!

John Garza — Fri, 03 Mar 2006 15:39:00 GMT

A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road.

A woman is driving down the same road.

As they pass each other, the woman leans out of the window and yells, "PIG!!"

The man immediately leans out of his window and replies, "BITCH!!"

They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner, he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road.

If only men would listen!

ALERT from the CDC: Gonorrhea Lectum

John Garza — Mon, 23 Jan 2006 14:44:00 GMT

The Center for Disease Control has issued a special bulletin warning about a new
virulent strain of Sexually Transmitted Disease.

The disease, contracted through dangerous and high-risk behavior, is called
Gonorrhea Lectum and pronounced "gonna re-elect him." Many victims contracted
it in 2004, after having been screwed for the past four years.

Cognitive characteristics of individuals infected include:

anti-social personality disorders,
delusions of grandeur with messianic overtones,
extreme cognitive dissonance,
inability to incorporate new information,
pronounced xenophobia and paranoia,
inability to accept responsibility for own actions,
cowardice masked by misplaced bravado,
uncontrolled facial smirking,
ignorance of geography and history,
tendencies towards evangelical theocracy,
categorical all-or-nothing behavior.

Naturalists and epidemiologists are amazed at how this destructive disease
originated only a few years ago from a bush found in Texas.

A Serious Message From George Carlin

John Garza — Fri, 11 Nov 2005 21:36:00 GMT

This was written by George Carlin shortly after his wife died in 2004:

GEORGE CARLIN
(post 9-11)

The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings but
shorter tempers, wider
freeways, but narrower viewpoints. We spend more, but have less, we buy
more, but enjoy less. We have bigger houses and smaller families, more
conveniences, but less time. We have more degrees but less sense, more
knowledge, but less judgment, more experts, yet more problems, more
medicine, but less wellness.

We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little,
drive too fast, get too angry, stay up too late, get up too tired, read too
little, watch TV too much, and pray too seldom. We have multiplied our
possessions, but reduced our values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and
hate too often.

We've learned how to make a living, but not a life. We've added years to
life not life to years. We've been all the way to the moon and back, but
have trouble crossing the street to meet a new neighbour. We conquered
outer space but not inner space. We've done larger things, but not better
things.
We've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul. We've conquered the atom,
but not our prejudice. We write more, but learn less. We plan more, but
accomplish less. We've learned to rush, but not to wait. We build more
computers to hold more information, to produce more copies than ever, but
we communicate less and less.

These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion, big men and small
character, steep profits and shallow relationships. These are the days of
two incomes but more divorce, fancier houses, but broken homes. These are
days of quick trips, disposable diapers, throwaway morality, one night
stands, overweight bodies, and pills that do everything from cheer, to
quiet, to kill. It is a time when there is much in the showroom window and
nothing in the stockroom. A time when technology can bring this letter to
you, and a time when you can choose either to share this insight, or to
just hit delete.

Remember, spend some time with your loved ones, because they are not going
to be around forever. Remember, say a kind word to someone who looks up to
you in awe, because that little person soon will grow up and leave your
side.

Remember, to give a warm hug to the one next to you, because that is the
only treasure you can give with your heart and it doesn't cost a cent.
Remember, to say, "I love you" to your partner and your loved ones, but
most of all mean it. A kiss and an embrace will mend hurt when it comes
from deep inside of you.
Remember to hold hands and cherish the moment for someday that person will
not be there again.
Give time to love, give time to speak, and give time to share the precious
thoughts in your mind.

AND ALWAYS REMEMBER:

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments
that take our breath away.
If you don't send this to at least 8 people....who cares?
George Carlin

Ordering Pizza in 2008!!!

John Garza — Sat, 04 Jun 2005 11:56:00 GMT

This is so close to what is probably going to be happen-ing in 2008 that
we're not sure how funny this really is..

Operator: Thank you for calling Pizza Hut. May I have your national ID number?

Customer: Hi, I'd like to place an order.

Operator: I must have your NIDN first, sir.

Customer: My National ID Number, yeah, hold on, eh, it's
6102049998-45-54610.

Operator: Thank you Mr. Sheehan. I see you live at 1742 Meadowland
Drive, and the phone number is 494-2366. Your office number over at
Lincoln Insurance is 745-2302 and your cell number is 266-2566. E-mailaddress is: ehan@home.net from home.

Customer: Huh? Where'd you get all this information?

Operator: We're wired into the HSS, sir.

Customer: The HSS, what is that?

Operator: We're wired into the Homeland Security System, sir. This will add only 15 seconds to your ordering time.

Customer: (sighs) Oh well, I'd like to order a couple of your All-Meat Special pizzas.

Operator: I don't think that's a good idea, sir.

Customer: Whaddya mean?

Operator: Sir, your medical records and commode sensors indicate thatyou've got very high blood pressure and extremely high cholesterol. Your National Health Care provider won't allow such an unhealthy choice.

Customer: What?!?! What do you recommend, then?

Operator: You might try our low-fat Soybean Pizza. I'm sure you'll like it.

Customer: What makes you think I'd like something like that?

Operator: Well, you checked out 'Gourmet Soybean Recipes' from your
local library last week, sir. That's why I made the suggestion.

Customer: All right, all right. Give me two family-sized ones, then.

Operator: That should be plenty for you, your wife and your four kids. Your 2 dogs can finish the crusts, sir. Your total is $49.99.

Customer: Lemme give you my credit card number.

Operator: I'm sorry sir, but I'm afraid you'll have to pay in cash.
Your credit card balance is over its limit.

Customer: I'll run over to the ATM and get some cash before your driver gets here.

Operator: That won't work either, sir. Your checking account is
overdrawn also.

Customer: Never mind! Just send the pizzas. I'll have the cash ready. How long will it take?

Operator: We're running a little behind, sir. It'll be about 45 minutes, sir. If you're in a hurry you might want to pick'em up while you're out getting the cash, but then, carrying pizzas on a motorcycle can be a little awkward.

Customer: Wait! How do you know I ride a bike?

Operator: It says here you're in arrears on your car payments, so your car got repo'ed. But your Harley's paid for and you just filled the tank yesterday.

Customer: Well, I'll be a #%#^^&$%^$@#

Operator: I'd advise watching your language, sir. You've already got a July 4, 2003 conviction for cussing out a cop and another one I see here in September for contempt at your hearing for cussing at a judge. Oh, here that you just got out from a 90 day stay in the State Correctional Facility. Is this your first pizza since your return to society?

Customer: (speechless)

Operator: Will there be anything else, sir?

Customer: Yes, I have! a coupon for a free 2 liter Coke..

Operator: I'm sorry sir, but our ad's exclusionary clause prevents us offering free soda to diabetics. The New Constitution prohibits this.. Thank you for calling Pizza Hut!
_____________________________

Not One Damn Dime

John Garza — Sun, 16 Jan 2005 18:08:00 GMT

Not One Dime Day - Jan 20, 2005 ~ By Bill Moyers

Since our religious leaders will not speak out against the war in Iraq, since our political leaders don't have the moral courage to oppose it, Inauguration Day, Thursday, January 20th, 2005 is "Not One Damn Dime Day" in America.

On "Not One Damn Dime Day" those who oppose what is happening in our name in Iraq can speak up with a 24-hour national boycott of all forms of consumer spending.

During "Not One Damn Dime Day" please don't spend money. Not one damn dime for gasoline. Not one damn dime for necessities or for impulse purchases. Not one damn dime for nothing for 24 hours.

On "Not One Damn Dime Day," please boycott Wal-Mart, Kmart, Target.. Please don't go to the mall or the local convenience store. Please don't buy any fast food (or any groceries at all for that matter. For 24 hours, please do what you can to shut the retail economy down.

The object is simple. Remind the people in power that the war in Iraq is immoral and illegal; that they are responsible for starting it and that it is their responsibility to stop it.

"Not One Damn Dime Day" is to remind them, too, that they work for the people of the United States of America, not for the international corporations and K Street lobbyists who represent the corporations and funnel cash into American politics.

"Not One Damn Dime Day" is about supporting the troops. Now 1,200 brave young Americans and (some estimate) 100,000 Iraqis have died.

The politicians owe our troops a plan - a way to come home.
There's no rally to attend. No marching to do. No left or right wing
agenda to rant about. On "Not One Damn Dime Day" you take action by doing nothing.

You open your mouth by keeping your wallet closed.
For 24 hours, nothing gets spent, not one damn dime, to remind our religious leaders and our politicians of their moral responsibility to end the war in Iraq and give America back to the people. Please share this with as many people as possible Commercial speech must not be the only free speech in America!
Bill Moyers